There’s “fear,” and then there’s FEAR
I’ve been thinking of writing this story for a while, but I went back and forth trying to figure out how — and if — I even should. Welp, here it goes:
Today is the 12th anniversary of the day I was the most scared in my entire life.
Do what you gotta do
In early 2007, we learned that my Dad’s kidneys weren’t doing what they were supposed to be doing anymore and he was going to need a new one. My sisters and I all got tested to see if we were a match and we all were, but mine looked like it was going to be best for him, so it was decided. I was going to give him one of mine. No-brainer.
In the months leading up to the surgery, my family did all the research about the operation because that’s what some people do to cope with not having control — they learn everything about it. Makes sense, but that’s not me.
For me, in this particular situation, ignorance was bliss and I didn’t want to know a damn thing about the surgery. I assumed it would just freak me out, and I’ll have plenty of time to read about it later when I’m recovering.
Turns out, that was a good decision. I learned later that there was a machine hooked up that was breathing for me, sooo…yeah, ignorance for the win.
It’s time
The day before the surgery, we were admitted and everything was fine. I recall being surprisingly calm.
But the next day was the real deal. I was fine most of that morning, even kind of excited, but then a few, very intense emotions came out of nowhere while I was being pushed into the operating room.
The foot of the bed hit the doors and they dramatically swung open, just like in the movies. I was still awake when I rolled in there and instantly had two feelings come over me:
- Surprise. Holy shit there’s a lot of stuff in here. Wait, is this all for me?
- Fear. The deepest, heaviest fear I’ve ever experienced. Shit. This stuff is all for me.
Not the kind of fear that’s rooted in exhilaration — like riding a roller coaster. Not the kind of fear rooted in surprise — like someone jumping out from behind a corner and yelling, “Boo!”
No. I’m talking about pure, unadulterated fear. The kind of fear that you immediately know is going to be a milestone in your life and nothing’s ever going to be the same. It fell on me like a blanket and I remember instantly recognizing that it was the most scared I’ve ever been.
Then, bam. Just like that, the anesthesia took hold and I was out. That feeling of profound fear lasted only about as long as it is taking you to read this sentence. It wasn’t long, but it was long enough.
The next thing I remember was waking up. I was groggy and my eyes were still closed. I mumbled that I was going to barf and then a nurse said, “Ok,” and then turned some knob, and then asked, “How about now?” I told her I was fine and didn’t have to barf anymore.
You guys, for real. To this day, I don’t know what I was hooked up to, what she adjusted, or how she did that, but it was amazing. They had this situation under control.
I spent a few days in the hospital recovering. My Dad felt better than he had in decades. All was well.
What is fear, really, anyway?
It’s good to be scared every once in while. It’s a reminder of where boundaries are and what we’re able to do or overcome. I think fear can be different for everyone, and it should be.
Having felt the depth of that fear helps me to this day because now I know how deep it can get. It makes some of the other things that we call “fear,” not really “fear” at all. Maybe it’s surprise, or exhilaration, or anxiety…but it’s not really, truly “fear.”
Making that differentiation can help you no matter what you’re doing — building a business from scratch, meeting new people, or starting a new job, just to name a few. If we can see that it’s not always fear that we’re wrestling with, perhaps the obstacle gets a little less daunting.
That day may not always be the most scared I’ve ever been, but for now, it’s a good reminder for me about what fear is, but more importantly, what it isn’t.
#bewhatyoumake
